For today's post I am going to go over some advice for married couples that may prove helpful for those who marriage could use some work. One of the reasons why this is an important topic of study is because how you interact with your spouse as well as how you behave in your everyday life could have a negative impact on your children that could trickle down for generations (Exo 34:7).
Let's get one thing straight of the bat, men and woman are different! They have different needs and want different things. For this study we will be taking a look at four of the most important needs of the man and then go on to the four most important needs of the woman, i will then go on to give some extra advice that may come in handy as well.
His Needs
Domestic Help- One of the primary ways a wife helps her husband is doing house work, although a man can and should help his wife around the house, biblically it is the woman's job to manage the house (1Tim 5:14, Titus 2:5).
Reverence - One of the biggest way a woman can support her husband is to honour him. So how can you as a wife honour your man. You should be loving and encouraging in the way you speak to him, allow him to take risk, and by honouring him as you want him to be, not as he is currently. Instead of blaming him for his faults, compliment him on his strengths. (Eph 5:33).
Sex- Now things get a little personal. Typically men desire sex more than women, and one way a spouse can show love to her husband is to have sex even if she isn't in the mood. I suppose one of the biggest contentions among married couples is mismatched libido's. If spouses waited until they were both in the mood they have sex about 10 times in their whole marriage. (1 Cor 7:5)
Friendship- The last way that I will be covering on how a woman can improve her marriage is by sharing fun activities together. By spending time together doing the things you both enjoy you will be enhancing the quality and fulfillment of your marriage.
Her Needs
Security- This is by far a woman's most important need. A woman needs to know that she will be taken care of. She wants someone that she can depend on. When a man self sacrificially regards his wife's needs above his own he will be pleasing both God and her. (Eph 5:25-29, 1 Tim 5:8)
Communication- Wives desire to have honest, open, detailed, and intimate conversations with their spouse. Husbands, your wives want to have heart to heart talks with you and help you get in touch with your emotions. (1 Pet 3:7).
Non Sexual touch- While men value sex, women on the other hand desire non-sexual affection. You can give your wife this by holding her hand, hugging her, massages, etc. Non Sexual touch conveys that they are valued, it also gives them security, and an emotional connection.
Leadership- It's true that a woman doesn't want to be dominated by her husband, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't want him to lead in matter that are important to them both (1 Cor 11:3, Eph 5:23).
There are four areas in which a husband should lead and they are
- Children, Fathers need to play, pray, and discipline their kids (Pro 13:24, Eph 6:4)
- Romance, this is done by planning dates and other times to demonstrate that you care about her.
- Spirituality, a wife wants her husband to pray with her and lead the family in spiritual growth. (Deut 4:9).
- Finances, a husbands needs to budget the families finances and plan for the future.
(Pro 13:22, Pro 21:20)
Child-Rearing
It may be challenging to juggle marriage and raising kids, but by keeping these principles in mind it can be done.
1. Your marriage must take a higher priority than the kids
2. Parents must be unified in their child-rearing.
3. Your marriage creates the level of health and success that you offspring can achieve
"Priority: while it may seem odd or even cruel to say that your children must take a back seat to your marriage, it is really true. There are three reasons for this. First, God's law of priority is sacred-marriage comes before other family relationships. Second, our relationships with God and our spouses are what enable us to be good parents. Third, our relationships with God and our spouses create happiness and security for our kids."
What problems will arise if you prioritize you children over your spouse? You can become overly dependent on your kids which will make you a problem in-law, or they may become overly dependent on you, which will cause problems in their own marriage. You may become depressed when they grow up and leave the nest. Furthermore it will cause resentment to build up in your spouse which will affect intimacy.
You can still have a good relationship with your kids but you must prioritize right. God first, Spouse second, Kids third. Set up boundaries such as not letting the kids interrupt you once you two have gone into your room. Another important thing to remember is don't let the kids divide you. ex. If dad says 9pm is the curfew, don't let them go to mom to extend the curfew to 10.
Here are 4 ways to express unity in marriage. Express love and dispense punishment the same way or very similarly, make sure that you agree in front of the kids using we and I, go to outside help with your marriage for counseling or input when you reach and impasse, and lastly remember to honour your spouse in front of them and make the kids respect your spouse in how they speak/act towards them. (Mark 3:25)
Parents (Past and Present)
What is Parent's Past and Parents Present? Parents past in how one's upbringing affects their marriage today whereas Parents present deals with the effect one's in-laws have in the marriage either good or bad.
Parents Past- This relates to how our upbringing can impact our marriages in the present. If we picked up some bad habits or false beliefs from our parents i.e iniquity, this can negatively affect our relationships; especially with our spouses. Examples of iniquities include racism, chauvinism, and physical abuse according to the link below. We break these family iniquities by recognizing it for what it is, forgiving our parents, being responsible for our own sins and then turning to Jesus
(Ezek 18:14-17).
Inner vows on the other hand work like the opposite of an iniquity. It is the result of experiencing hurt from a parent or another or from a difficult life situation and then making a self directed promise. Two examples would be is someone was in poverty growing up they may vow never to be poor again, or if they were physically abused as a child they may vow never to spank their kids. This is a problem because this cuts of the Lord's influence in this particular area of the person's life. We need the Lord's guidance in every aspect of our lives. (Mat 5:34-37, Jam 5:12, Rom 8:14).
Parents Present- Here are some tips regarding the in-laws.
Friendship- Be friendly to your in-laws, but expect them to obey friendship rules.
Separation- Stay close to the in-laws but make sure to have boundaries
Protection- If a particular parent is causing trouble in the marriage have the parent's child (not the child's spouse) deal with the issue.
Honour- Give the in-laws respect, but don't give them authority over your marriage.
Click on the link below and follow the next lesson prompts for additional advice on finances, communication, and sexual fulfillment in marriage. Note: i do not share the same view on taking on debt however.
http://www.transformyourmarriage.info/transform_your_marriage_info_site_005.htm
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